After a few much needed hours of shut eye, we go out for a walk, keeping one eye on the lookout for the demonic traffic. The air is full of the incessant sounds of honking horns, as the kamikaze drivers honk at every given opportunity. Honk! Honk! Honk! I think this place might be more aptly called ‘Hornoi’!!

Crossing the street here, you feel about as safe as a goldfish in a piranha tank! Lanes are crea ted only as an example of where people could drive. "Drive on the right side of the road" actually means "eventually"! One-way streets only suggest that "most" vehicles "should" go in the same direction. Little wonder Vietnam has 30 – 40 traffic deaths a day!!

After our previous two adventures to Vietnam (above), we are somewhat familiar with the street crossing drill. However, our friends and traveling companions Richard & Tyea, first timers to Vietnam , seem aghast at this daunting task, and I think may be wondering where they can find the nearest defibrillator!!

On a side street we pass a young girl shuffling along with the typical bamboo pole and baskets slung over her shoulder. She notices me glance at here load of pineapples, and quick as a flash senses an opportunity. Before I know it, she has stuffed her conical hat down over my ears, and hois ted her load up onto my shoulder – and now I’m done like dinner. I pay about ten times more than I should for some of her fruit, but still, it was one of my better retail experiences! We had a few good giggles over it, and got good picture to boot!

We all enjoy a happy hour, with our own Caribbean rum that we brought from Canada . The weird thing here is that it’s been a colossal task getting ice for the rum and cokes. Asking for ice here is like asking Michelangelo to paint the floor! Even in restaurants when we would ask for ice cubes, they would parrot back, ‘ice cream’? Sure pal – nothing we’d like better with dinner than a dollop of ice cream to curdle our treasued rum!

Tonight I may have had one too many drinks, as after a fabu lou s dinner I struggle to cut through my desert with a knife. It doesn’t get cut, but gets seriously mashed, as I have been trying to cut through a small rust co lou red ceramic bowl which I had mistaken for crust. Hmmmm, perhaps time for an upgrade in the spectacle department!

Fore-warned about the flap over the friggin’ frightening foreign feather flu fiasco, we figured we’d be forced to be finicky and forego our favourite fricasseed feathered friends to avoid fretting about foul fowl, and would be foraging for a few foods with fur, four feet, or fins.

In fact, after talking with people, it didn’t appear to be a serious problem, so after the first few days we no longer avoided those that clucked and quacked.

Up in the pre dawn hours for a long road trip to the province of Ninh Binh . It’s too early to get breakfast, so I roam about looking for one of the people who sell the French baguettes on the streets. Just when I had given up and gone back to the hotel, a lady comes by with a large bag of them balanced atop her head.

Of course she speaks as much English as I do Vietnamese, so we charade our way to establish payment. She tells me the price which of course is outrageous. But just for fun, having just learned the Vietnamese phrase “Troi Oi, dac qua” which translates to “Oh my God, so expensive”, I eagerly try out my new line.

‘Ms. Baguette’ immediately goes into hysterics, and is roaring with laughter, holding her chest and slapping her thighs! Her raucous laughter is infectious and she gets me going as well.

As this is going on our pre-arranged guide named ‘Smiley’ shows up and introduces himself. What an appropriate handle he has, with a look ma-no-cavities infectious grin and a set of perfectly polished ivories.

The old woman enthusiastically repeats to him what I said, and again nearly falls over laughing. This commotion has now brought out one of the curious hotel staff, and star ted to draw a bit of a crowd on the street. I wonder if this is her first encounter with a foreigner? With such a tough life, it was great to see her laugh, and another wonderful incident of culture clash.

Smiley casually informs us that I have done well – instead of paying ten times the going rate, I have negotia ted it down to paying only 5 times what I should have. Apparently I just made her day, and I know she certainly made mine. Ahhh, travel is indeed a joy when you remember to pack your common sense and a sense of humour.

We pile into the van and several hours later arrive in Ninh Binh. From here we take an interesting boat ride through a stunning mountain backdrop to the floating village of Kenh Ga where the people live on boats. The villagers uniquely row their small boats using only their feet. With bare feet and legs-a-pumping, they literally peddle their wares along the Hoang Long river.

We arrive in the middle of nowhere, and getting out of our boat are gree ted by a few water buffalo, a gaggle of geese, and some scruffy looking little munchkins. In the background are some locals hard at work, pulling a living from the ground in the gorgeously green rice paddies.

We hike through the rice paddies to a cave system, giving out some lollie pops to the little kids along the way. While the cave itself was somewhat a disappointment, the experiences with the little kids, and their reaction to seeing their images on the digital camera was well worth the effort.

It was so cold today that I went to bed in a sweater and socks (déjà vu Tibet ). This weather is not helping Richard’s nasty cold virus that seems to have declared a jihad upon his sinuses and lungs. Thank goodness, we at least have the Caribbean anti-freeze to help!

Today was a true delight. We awoke early to go to Tam Coc (3 Caves), which is one of the most magnificent areas in all of Vietnam . It is called the inland Halong bay, because of the incredible limestone karsts which dominate the area.

The four of us set out in two boats along with our rowers, along the peaceful and meandering Ngo Dong River . We pass through three impressive caves, all crea ted by wind and water when the sea had occupied this area. The ancient tide-mark is still on the rock about two meters above the water.

We drink in the splendor of our surrouindings with the sounds being the dipping of the oars, and the cackle of brilliant blue and orange kingfishers hunting the river for their lunch. In the trees we spot a lovely looking red and black bird known as a Bimbip, which for some medicinal purposes the Vietnamese love to stuff into a bottle of rice wine, feathers and all.

What I’d like to know, is how this ‘medicine’ came into being. Did some weird dude just one day declare - I’m going to stuff this beautiful bird into this bottle of wine to fix my back ache? Perhaps it was the same bloke who decided that other wines should contain snakes, geckos, scorpions, etc.? Hmmm … enuff pondering the imponderable!

We row along the river with the early morning mist covering the tops of the magnificent limestone formations that jut straight out of the surrounding rice paddies. The experience was surreal, and this stunning countryside leaves an unforgettable impression of tranquility. Eventually we had to leave this euphoric spot, but it will always be there for us to see whenever we shut our eyes.

Smiley entertains us by recounting the amazing the story of how he survived a deadly cobra snake bite, while hunting rats along the river. So far from help with the poison in his system, it was a miracle that he survived. He showed the necrosis scars on his foot, and told us about the unusual treatments that saved his life.

Back in the van, we drive to the Bich Dong Pagoda which was built in the Le dynasty. It is considered to be the second most beautiful cave in Vietnam , and has a built in pagoda. A short bit of exploring, then we’re off like a bride’s pajamas.

Next on our agenda is to try and find a place that is not yet shown in any of the guide books. Even our guide has never heard of it, but we give him some information I had gleaned from the internet, and sure enough he gets instructions from some locals on how to get there. Eventually we arrive at this special place called Hang Mua.

At the base of the karst there is a moat and a small amphitheatre where the villagers must have had live shows once in a while. We trudged up the colorfully flagged 560 stone steps to the summit. The rock is so jagged that straying from the path was like walking on a bundle of knives. On top is a pagoda with a large statue of the Angel of Mercy (how appropriate), and a huge dragon statue on the rocks. Dripping in sweat, we climb over the sharp rocks for a picture beside the dragon and my heart is racing because of the sheer vertical drop.

The view here is stupendous, and we sit absorbing the exquisite panoramas of Tam Coc that stretches out before us. Today will be immortalized for all of us as one of those truly magical days!

Back in Hanoi we have a couple of days for shopping, so we poked around in all kinds of interesting little shops. Asking the price of something here is like trying to nail Jello to a tree! “how much you like to pay?”, then no matter what the answer their response is grinningly “oh no – I be broke”.

Still we had a lot of fun see-sawing our way closer to a final agreeable figure with these tenacious negotiators. Our shopping has forced several trips into the back of jewelry shops, where we swap currencies for a better exchange rate than the bank.

Tonight after a sumptuous particularly pleasing dinner in a lovely little French café called the Au Lac, I got side tracked on the way back to the hotel and end up buying two suits! Methinks extra luggage may be the next purchase!

Today Christine and I decide to partake in the Hanoi Harriers Hash. This is a unique form of ‘running’ (http://www.mhash.com/how_to_set_a_hash.htm ) that we have experienced in many countries around the world and always good fun.

Todays run is called “Lusty Old Man Run” (how could I resist), and is out in the country beyond Hoa Lac on the road to Yen Binh. Gathering place is a funky restaurant known as Spot ted Cow, and the hashers hop aboard an old bus that is to take us to the run site.

Before we even get out of Hanoi we are involved in an accident with another bus! There is kind of a sickening sound as the two metal monsters sideswipe each other. The other larger bus has it’s mirror smashed off leaving a trail of glass on the road as it careens down the side of our bus. A delay ensues while the two drivers, who appear to have the combined IQ of a turnip, shout expletives at each other while sorting sort out who is to pay who before the police arrive.

Finally we’re on our way, and an hour or so later are most relieved when our bus veers off the ever dangerous highway onto a quiet a dirt road. Over the next few miles we narrowly miss a pedestrian who dives out of the way, then a close call with two water buffalo reluctant to share the road, and finally, just before our destination, we hit some mud and our bus fishtails dangerously down a hill. The hashers on the bus all break into significant applause as we mercifully disembark at our destination.

The run master leads off the run, carrying his bugle (used for the on-on’s) and wearing of a toilet seat strapped to his back, and a woman’s bra. To complete his ensemble is a rubber chicken around his neck. Don’t ask!

We stand out like a bunch of trout in a bathtub as we run along through the rice paddies, and up and down through the hills. The maze of blind trails through interesting terrain leads us past buffalo, farmers, and raggedy-assed little kids, all seemingly quite bewildered by this buffonery.

At one point we must cross over a river on a very narrow bamboo bridge. I stop for a couple of pictures as the first couple of dozen runners slowly make their way across. Now it’s my turn, but as I start to head to the bridge one of the locals carrying a machete blocks my path and is yelling something at us.

There is no way in hell I’m going into the river, so after some deliberation, I cautiously step by her, hoping like hell she isn’t going to take a chop! It’s determined by one of the expats, that she is concerned that her bridge is going to collapse, but she allows us to cross one at a time. Christine cautiously follows, and we are off running again on the other side of the river.

After finishing the run, we go through the usual berating at circle as the punishments and ‘down-downs’ are handed out. After the run the hash circle is formed by the hashers in a circle centered a round the Grandmaster who is empowered to perform the hash rituals at this time. Great fun!

During the bus ride back the gang sang silly songs, and ‘libera ted ’ way too many beers – but they were however, good chill pills that helped ease the stress of the long ride home!

For dinner we have reservations at a renown spot known as the Cha Ca La Vong restaurant that. This place is 135 years old and serves only one dish called “Cha Ca - a succulent fried fish masterpiece which became so famous that the French renamed the street in its honour.

A rickety flight of wooden stairs leads to the unremarkable second-floor dining room, full of equally rickety chairs. A tantalizing aroma, quite unidentifiable, titilla ted our nostrils and aroused our appetites.

Patrons cook chunks of seasoned grouper fish on red hot coals brought to the table, stirring in chives and dill. The rich, oily stew is then spooned into bowls of vermicelli rice noodles and enlivened by the addition of shrimp sauce, fried peanuts, and pickled vegetables. The secret ingredient, if you believe the rumours, is two drops of an essence extrac ted from the perfume gland of the ca cuong beetle. Mmm Mmm - ya just gotta love those perfume glands!

Today we’re off to one the worlds great natural wonders known as Halong Bay , which is in the middle of the coastal area of Quang Ninh province, 180 km east of Hanoi . Featured in the classic film Indochine, Halong Bay has almost 2000 islands and islets, and in 1994 it was recognized as a World Heritage Site by UNESCO for its remarkable natural scenery of limestone and grottoes.

Our bus pulls into Halong City after witnessing several fatal looking traffic accidents along the way on the dangerous highway. Immediately we transfer onto our Chinese junk called the Dragons Pearl. This will be our home for the next couple of days. It’s is a lovely old boat, but our room is so small it’s more like a broom closet with a sconce! No matter, most of our time is going to be spent on deck.

We cruise the gulf of Tonkin to one of the islands called Sung Sot which translates to Amazing Cave . it's amazing what can happen when you leave the water running for a few hundred years!! A small launch transports us to shore where we climb up to have a walkabout through this spectacular cave system. Great pictures from the top, looking down over the bay and our junk with the big yellow sails spread out in full splendour.

On our way back to the junk, our launch boat is rammed by another boat with it’s throttle wide open. We brace for the crash as the two collide, and our boat goes right up on top of the other, almost sinking it! Never a dull moment in Vietnam ! So let’s see, in the last couple of days we have had a bus accident, and now a boat accident – sure glad we’re not flying tomorrow!

At dinner time we enjoy swapping stories with other guests from around the world who have made the trip with us. We’re gathered inside the cabin for a tasty five course dinner. Tonight, our junk moors in a quiet bay overnight before continuing on our journey the following morning.

Today sitting eating our breakfast on the deck, we watch several hawks soar overhead, and swooping down into the emerald sea after a breakfast of their own. It’s a most pleasant morning soundtrack with melodious birds a-chirp from hidden perches on the limestone karsts, and the gentle waves lapping against the side of our junk. The world is bliss.

Now we board the small launch for a trip though a cave into the clear blue waters of a completely hidden and sealed lagoon. Entering the lagoon is only possible at a low tide, and we must leave before the tide rises once again, covering the entrance cave, as there is no other way out.

Next we visit Ti Top island and climb the many stairs up to the pagoda on top, and are rewarded with an awesome view of the panoramic mist covered karsts. Over the misty sea, we leisurely cruise back to the port in Halong city, and board a bus back to Hanoi .

This now completes Christine and my ‘Trilogy of Vietnam’. Our adventures here over the years have been fascinating to say the least. A remarkable land with remarkable people, both of which will stay with us forever.


Mark Colegrave
2005